To be respected is a crucial need of human beings. We all have a deep need to be seen, to be heard, to be valued and to be of value.

In the professional world, to be respected is often felt to be more important than to be liked, but this can be true in our personal lives, too. In both areas, respect, esteem and affection are intermingled … and it is difficult to love where there is no respect.

Respect is essential for the development of positive, open, creative relationships. It is an essential element of leadership where the leader wishes to create a “fearless’ culture of engagement and empowerment, of professional, adult-to-adult relationships. Respect is fundamental to the creation, maintenance and repair of trust.

And yet, too often we fail to demonstrate our respect for others under the pressure of “getting it done” or “proving our point”. As soon as we move from a co-creative interaction to one of argument or dominance (or, as Judith Glaser might put it, from a level III to a level II or level I conversation), our respect for the other person(s) diminishes – and they feel it! It is at these times that we can display a lack of respect completely unintentionally – and then wonder why the other person seems upset or resistant …

It is true, that to gain respect we first have to “give” it …

The techniques of performance coaching intrinsically communicate respect for the other’s world – they are designed to promote openness, connection and co-creative contexts:

Remain present while listening (e.g. use body-sensing techniques/peripheral vision/breathing) to remain aware of and connected with the other and prevent the habit of drifting off into your own thoughts/judgements/responses.
Remember that you cannot see and you cannot know what the other sees and knows:
Unique inner representations of the “world” mean that we all live in different realities … What you see is “true” and what they see is “true” – the “Truth” of any situation covers all of these perspectives and usually even more. These different views/perspectives/understandings/interpretations need to be aired and considered for the most complete solution to be found.
Before responding, feed back what you have heard/seen to make it clear that the other has been heard and to ensure that you have understood what they have said correctly, e.g.:
“What I’ve heard is …”; “What I understand from what you’ve said is …”; “So, the situation as you see it is …”
Ask questions before putting your point of view:
To deepen/clarify your understanding; To demonstrate that you have been listening; To demonstrate your interest in and valuation of the other’s view/situation
Avoid “why” questions (they create defensive justification – “Because…). Ask open “What” and “How” and “When” questions, e.g:
“What was your purpose in doing/saying/needing that …?” (instead of “Why did you …?”); “What does that mean for you?” (instead of “Why do you say that?”); “How will that affect …?” (instead of “You can’t do that because …!”); “When would be the best time …?” (instead of “Why then?”)
All these techniques promote awareness and connection, bringing all parties back to the “collective present” for full co-creative potential. Try them out over the next week and see how they can maintain this connection and keep the interactions at a steady pace, preventing them accelerating into argument or rushing to precipitous/ill-considered conclusions.